He Said, She Said: Exceptions to the Rules of Pragmatics

You may find it disappointingly anti-climactic to know that my boyfriend and I spent our first monthsary sipping instant coffee from paper cups in his workplace.

Matching witty playful banters that would give Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan a run for their money.

If so, you can stop reading right now, because I have no intention of convincing you otherwise.

If not, then you’re more than welcome to proceed.

My relationship with A— can be called a lot of things.

Long distance.

Multi-cultural.

Interfaith.

… Downright weird?

That said, it’s still something of a feat to have made it passed the first month mark.

So to mark the occasion, I’ve decided to compile a short list of commonly-used phrases that defy the rules of pragmatics so often that the linguistic legislature should enact the bill to a law.

1. Sometimes, “I promise you” comes after my already set list of priorities.

As unromantic as it may seem, promises are meant to be broken – more so when the people involved are two fiercely independent individuals who have been single for way too long.

I’m not talking about the non-negotiables like faithfulness, honesty, and respect;

No, I’m talking about promises to late-night walks on the beach, promises to eat food with names neither of us can even pronounce… the little promises that mean only as much as you give a damn about them.

Contrary to popular belief, there is plenty of room for logic in a relationship.

Years of prying on my friends’ real-life romances have taught me the opposite of what I’d learned from romantic comedies: when it comes to relationships, it shouldn’t just be about you feeling good but of seeking the good of the other person.

Petty broken promises happen, but they are called “petty” for a reason.

They must take a back seat to stone-carved priorities: family, home, and (to a lesser extent) work.

Personally, I admire A— even more when he puts his mom over me.

We both lived full lives before either of us came along;

We just have to accept that nothing will change after that.

2. Sometimes, silence means “I’m just pretending to have a life here but I actually miss you a lot.”

A typical conversation on a weekday night would be as follows:

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Are you busy?”

“No.”

“Why didn’t you text me?”

“Because I thought you were busy. Why didn’t you text me?”

“Because I thought you were busy.”

It still scares me to think how much time we impose ourselves to unnecessary silence until one of us grows the balls to admit missing the other.

Speaking of the perpetual state of missing…

3. Sometimes, “I miss you” does not mean “I want to see you.”

There are up sides and down sides to living 2.5 hours away from each other.

The best part of it is never worrying about him showing up outside your door unannounced, so you’re pretty much free to look as horrible as you please.

But the worst part is that your dates are almost always a little too overdue to the point that, when it finally does happen, at least one of you no longer wants to see the other.

It’s all wildly messed up.

It has occurred to me on a number of occasions that maybe other couples are not as star-crossed as A—and I are.

One of the biggest surprises I got from being in the first month of my first relationship is that relationships are not really all that romantic at all!

Which leads me to the next exception…

4. Sometimes, “Leave me alone” means “I need you.”

When we’re at our worst, it’s so much easier to say “Leave me alone” instead of “I need you.”

The first requires nothing beyond those 3 words.

The apology can come in days after the, uh, nuclear detonation – with a 100% guarantee of forgiveness.

But the second requires admitting one’s own inadequacy which, by the way, is unthinkable to two fiercely independent individuals such as ourselves.

More often than not, however, “Leave me alone” and “I need you” are more of equations than contradictions.

“Leave me alone” is a cry for help.

The kind that says, “I’m in deep shit. Drop everything and come. And when you do come, I may or may not turn you out the door. That’s how deep in shit I am right now.”

5. Sometimes, every pardonnez-mon-français really means “I love you.”

A—and I speak totally different languages.

And I’m not just talking about his native Arabic, my native Cebuano, and all the other second and foreign languages we speak.

Between the two of us, he’s (surprise!) the more affectionate one.

Maybe it’s because he grew up with his mom, whereas I grew up with my dad, and that came with all the implications of suppressed emotions and putting up a tough front.

But we found a way to get around this minor but deeply-rooted problem – we swear.

A lot.

For a foreign language English speaker, A—‘s “colorful” vocabulary is far more impressive than mine, and I’m the second language English speaker and Linguistics major.

Heads may turn when we drop the F-bomb, but that’s just one more unconventionality we have to live with.